Go Swiss or go home.

America...

2007-12-11T12:22:00.000-05:00

I hate this. I hate flying. I hate hate haaaaate it.

I hate airports and terminals and planes and the seats and bathrooms and the food. I hate the waiting. I hate the feeling the plane makes when it's in the air. I hate turbulence and I hate the light from the windows. I hate the color of the lights on the plane. I hate the stale air and the flight attendants and the passengers. Flying is the most stressful form of transportation, save riding a wild boar in Rio. (I'm SO never doing that!!)

I'm sitting here in agony though. It's painful to leave the country I love. It's depressing to return to the one I belong in. When we took off from Germany the ground was green and blue. When we arrived in Philadelphia, the ground was brown and grey. It just looked dirty. I miss the Swiss mountains and the gorgeous lakes already.

And yes, my first flight was delayed. And my last flight will probably be delayed too. Curse the airports. They want me to live in terminals.

FUCK. *update* They totally just delayed my flight by 25 minutes. And when they delayed my morning flight by 30 minutes, it was really an hour... so I'm getting I won't get back to Ohio until 11pm now. Fuck fuck fuck. Why does going home have to be SUCH a bitch.

Despite that... a 9 hour flight is no longer long. It's fine. Anything after a back-to-back 1.5, 14, and 10 hour flight is nothing. Nooothing.

The flight was surprisingly okay too. I kind of felt like shit before I got on the plane because I'd only had two meals the day before and all I'd eaten in the 13 hours since 8pm the day before was a few gummies and some sparkling water.

Hardly a breakfast...

But the flight was fine. I was surprisingly calm, stomach wise at least. Once they gave me hot food I was happy. But they only gave me one meal. And with 30 hours of travel and only one meal on one of the flights... that does not make me a happy camper. I didn't even get the snack on the first flight because I slept through it. Not that I'm really missing out on the dry pretzels...

It's really sad that airplane food is probably the best/most nutritious food I've had in a couple weeks. I just don't have food... fruit or vegetable... I don't know. I tried, but apparently I failed. Still, I can't believe Simon is only eating once a day. (pbj or ramen, NOT a meal!!)

Here in Philly though, I'm like, angry about being back. I'm resentful. I feel like I'm just staring into space with the most horrid look on my face and that everyone thinks I'm a bitch because of it. Maaaybe I am! Man I just get pissy when I fly. It really puts me in the worst mood ever.

Everyone around me is American, I speak their friggin language, and all the food places. I don't know... they just all disgust me. It all looks like crap. And I feel so snotty and so above it. It's not like I even fit in in Switzerland, but god damn I just miss it.

I miss the people, I miss my work, I miss my room, I miss the food, the cheese, the mountains, and the lake and the tram. Then I look at pictures from the lake and the people in the house and listen to the music Mihai gave me... and I miss it even more. It seems unfair that everyone there gets to stay and I have to go.

I want to go back.

It even feels weird just being on American soil. Like that's something special. I think I'm supposed to revere/cherish it more. Dave and Dan really want to come back. They were jealous of me leaving so soon, and yet I want to change places with them and stay in Switzerland for longer. I wish I could have gone to Turkey for Christmas. I'm gonna be a pro at missing family holidays some day.

I need to go somewhere. Asap.

The End

2007-12-10T14:27:00.000-05:00

Guh.

I don't even feel like people are looking forward to me coming back.

And when I say that, I'm really only talking about two people in particular. And when I say that, I only really care if one person cares about me coming back. Granted, one of them doesn't particularly know when I am coming back because I failed to tell them. (on purpose) But the other knows I am coming back and I have a feeling they are regretting seeing me again. Like they have other shit to take care of first. I feel like I should wait a few months and come home in March. Yeah....

I know there are a shit ton of friends and family that want me to come home and hang out. People who have been looking forward to me coming back for awhile... (I think.)

Like coming home is some big event or something. I'm so hypocritical, I really just want to slink back into Columbus and not tell people I'm back. But then I want them to miss me at the same time. It's unfair. I'm being stupid.

But bleeaahh... there are so many problems with coming back home. It's not even easy to get back into the friggin country or to go through immigration and customs and get on a flight to my city. It's like the whole system doesn't want me to go home.

And it doesn't help that I keep hearing flight calls to Zürich, Switzerland today and they make me overly emotional. I feel like I should be getting on one of those planes. I don't like my shitty plane going to shitty Ohio.

Yeah I know it's mean calling it "shitty". But this is my whiney, emo, sad journal post dammit! This is the end. This is me sitting in the airport and wishing I were somewhere else.

If anything, I at least wish it were over. I wish I was in my mom's car and not dealing with this flight delay shit. I wish I wasn't wearing boots that make my feet soggy. I don't like that either.

I just don't know what it will be like when I get home. I don't know how people will have changed without me. They don't need me. And I don't know how I will fit in now. Or if I should bother fitting in again if I just want to leave in awhile. I really wish there was a reason to stay. I guess I'll have to find a reason to come back some day.

Columbus, here I come.

In the dirtiest of towns

2007-12-10T02:23:00.000-05:00

Things always turn out differently than I expect.

I can't believe that after months of not talking, after I thought our friendship was over, that I ended up spending the entire weekend walking through the streets of Berlin with him.

That I depended on him again.

It was like things were never any different between us. Like nothing ever happened. And it was really nice.

It was odd when things came up, and it was apparent that we'd both missed 9 months of each other's lives. Shit happens, but we caught each other up for the most part. And it was nice to have someone that I know really well to go around Berlin with, because Dan and Dave were just going to stay in their apartment and work on their portfolios, which is cool... but I think it's imperative that anyone who goes to Berlin should see the Wall, and anything else around the city.

And my god... I'm never walking up those stairs again. Five levels, 10 flights... my god. I'm glad that's over.

The Terminal

2007-12-09T22:13:00.000-05:00

This is just wrong.

This place, it's completely eerie. It's frightening. I feel half frightened and half paranoid. And I feel like this is the place I would be before I would have to come home. But I just wonder how I got here. Like, I reaaally wonder.

I mean, I'm sitting in the Berlin Tegel international airport at 1 in the morning and I will be here until my flight leaves (hopefully on time) at 9:45am.

My god it was hard to get here.

I think about all the stairs, all the stairs in Berlin... and then I think about all the different fucking trains I took to get here. I mean, I love trains and trams, but damn... Zurich seems way better laid out.

Simon was generous enough to help me with my bags and help me figure out what subways to take to get to the airport. And by heavens, did I need the help! We left Dan and Dave's at 11pm, got on an U-bahn which we needed take to transfer to an S-bahn.

First problem?

The S-bahn was definitely not right by the U-bahn stop. In fact, it was nowhere in sight. There was one sign for it, but honestly, it was pointing in the direction of a black abyss. Those Germans and their dark forests... Despite the unwelcoming and unfruitful look, we ended up lugging my bags over there. When we got to the abandoned station we realized we were headed to the wrong Tegel. Tegel stop, Alt Tegel, not Tegel Airport. God damn.

So we waited at the ghost station for the next train (we had just missed the last one by minutes) and took it to a stop to get to the U6-bahn so we could get to one of the bus routes headed towards the airport. Because apparently, there aren't actually any trains or trams that go to the airport... only buses. What the fuck??

After we got off the ghost train, we had the unpleasant surprise that the U6 station was even harder to find than the ghost station. Simon had to ask for directions in German from some guy closing up a shop, and we eventually found our way to the bahn. Once we got on the train, it took forever to start, and then at the station we had to lug the suitcases back up the subway stairs for the 4th time that night. And after allll this work going from train to train... the last bus going to Tegel had gone at 12:15am, and it was 12:29am then. God damn the bus system.

I ended up just paying for a cab, because I was so close to the airport already and I didn't really feel like waiting at the train station until 3:53am by myself with the possibility of screwing up getting to the airport on my own. I was really glad Simon was there to help me. I knew it was going to be hard to get there.

And once I fiiiinally got to the airport, I found out that only one part of the airport was open for people to go in. And that's when I went in and found this strange place. This place, where all the lights, save a few, are turned off, and passengers for morning flights are camped out for the night.

All in all, I think there were about 10 of us waiting for flights. Some people sat in the small amount of chairs there, and some people lay down on the cold tile floor.

It had been my plan to camp out at a table with a plug and watch episodes of Rome and Lost, but here in the dark there is no plug and no table. So I took a nap on the floor... with sleep being the only thing I can really do. It's hard to fight it off when I'm sitting in the dark with no entertainment. But god, sleeping on the hard floor in the airport is probably one of the most uncomfortable situations I've slept through.

Now, just sitting here. It's weird.

My legs are stretched out on the cold blue tile, and this lone, brilliant fluorescent light shines down just above us. It's just surreal. I don't know why I am here so early, when my flight leaves at 9:45am. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but spending the night in the airport like this was not necessarily my intention. I feel strangely like Tom Hanks in The Terminal.

Why are all the other people here too? I wonder what their story is. I wonder where they are going.

I wish I were flying to Zurich. :(

Missing

2007-12-08T16:44:00.001-05:00

Okay, so I think it's about time to post this. The list of everything I missed while I was in Zürich. This is how "homesick" I got. This is what ran through my head when I longed for something.

Miss list:

I miss natural blonde hair.

I miss using filters in PS7 on my crappy pentium III in the basement laundry room.

I miss playing blitzball and not worrying about what time dinner is.

I miss hearing "I love you" and believing it.

I miss my corset.

I miss my music. ALL my music.

I miss 3-am in Knowleton, setting up the tripod for the hundredth time.

I miss being addicted to ER.

I miss the cowboy hat that I forgot I even owned.

I miss being upset by Battousai Dave.

I miss driving on the highway in the dry heat, with no ac, listening to Mattias Eklundh and wondering what the hell I do all day at work.

I miss seeing your face and hearing your voice.

I miss you missing me too.

I miss it all.

The cost of living

2007-12-06T19:11:00.000-05:00

I'm always surprised how cunning everyone here is. Even with practically no money and no resources, almost everyone including myself has managed to scrounge together mattresses, blankets, and/or pillows for people to sleep on when they visit.

We can barely afford to live in these countries, and yet we are able to pull together the resources to find sleeping accommodations for our friends. Anyone here who isn't willing to help lend a hand or provide shelter either isn't being a good host or just isn't trying. All we really need is a floor and a sink, really.

Bound up

2007-12-06T17:30:00.000-05:00

There's something ridiculously comforting about going to an entirely new city and winding up sitting in on a rainy night and editing photos with other designers.

It might sound geeky and it might sound like I'm not "experiencing the city to the fullest" but it just means I'm not going out drinking every night. It's not like going to Europe means that I have a badge on me that says I must drink as much as possible before I go home. In fact, I'd say I am drinking less often here because I am always more busy traveling to different cities, trying out new foods and having honest, serious discussion with people from every culture.

And when I am in culture shock from being in a new country (yes, Germany is a LOT different than Switzerland) it's comforting to be around people like me who are completely interested in design and love to just throw themselves into it for the evening. No pressure, no worry.

I know this.

You're forgetting

2007-12-05T03:14:00.000-05:00

It's kind of upsetting, going to multiple cities and just when I'm settled in one, it's time to go to the other.

Everything is moving too fast... I just want to slow down and stand still.

I don't want to go home. I just want to stop moving.

I just want to
stay
right
here.

Weingart

2007-12-04T14:13:00.000-05:00

Okay so meeting Wolfgang Weingart was kind of amazing.

Nobody else seems to know who he is, but he is like one of the design gods. In the circle of design, there are some very famous, very well known designers that the students of today have been "raised" on. We read about Paul Rand and Armin Hoffman and Josef Albers and we learn about their work, but we don't expect to actually meet them.

Most of these guys are dead.

So you can play the link game, like I know Dave Bull (a teacher) and he knew Paul Rand, so Paul Rand and I are like this. > < (crosses fingers together tightly... oh I need some visual effect for this....)

But Wolfgang Weingart is still alive, not terribly old, and he's living in Switzerland. And yeah, it might be true that Armin Hoffman is also alive and living in Switzerland... and that he knows Wolfgang too... but I only had the opportunity to meet Wolfgang, and that was mooore than enough for me. Just to know Ruedi Rüegg and meet Wolgang Weingart is kind of amazing. At least, it really jazzes me up... even if none of my family knows who any of these people are. Maybe my Dad would have some appreciation for them if I explained...

This guy has been around before Helvetica was INVENTED. That typeface is like... part of the dawn of time for designers my age. It's just... always existed. Okay... technically it hadn't existed till the 60s (I forget exactly when) but I just don't think about design being as prominent as it was back then. Design, Swiss Design in particular, was seriously thriving in the 60s. And back when Wolfgang was learning, he had to use like Azkidenz Grotesk and Caslon and Garmond because they were like the only typefaces available. Everything was old school. It seems like type has exploded since then. (It hasn't) but there has been continuous advancement in the field throughout the years... and from the 60s to now is 40 years. That's a hella long time for type and design to progress.

But anyway, we ended up taking a day trip with the studio to go to Basel and stroll around the city and then meet with Weingart and take a tour of his offices and his studio and archive. We took pictures with him and he sat us down and explained some of his background, his theory, his thoughts on computers vs. handskills, his past work, the work of his students, and had lunch with him at one of his favorite places to eat in Basel. He ended up asking me if I was vegetarian because I ordered the mushroom pasta.... no I'm not! I just don't need meat every time I order something. I swear these Swiss people ask me left and right if I'm vegetarian if I'm not gnawing on a hunk of meat.

Wolfgang was really cool though. I was so thankful that he did the presentation in English, which was really just for me since everyone else was Swiss German. Felix said it was funny hearing Wolfgang speak Swiss German with his German accent. I noticed his pronunciation was a little different, but I guess I can't really pick out where people are from when they speak Swiss German. To me, it's all Swiss. But I have gotten better about understanding the Swiss accent in English. And it's kind of cute if I might add.

Nothing is forever

2007-12-03T10:56:00.000-05:00

It's odd when you want to call something yours, but it's not appropriate at all. When it's impossible. Illegal.

Nothing can make up for some things you want.

And it's odd just not knowing.

I feel so completely in the dark. I want this so much but I don't even know why. I'm upset and I have no right to be. I'm betrayed over nothing. But I had nothing, and I will continue to have nothing. I am the nothing. And it's suitable that way.

I am a leaf in the wind. (Cheesy Firefly reference)

I've been reading about emotional intimacy lately, and I suppose my thoughts are changing on the subject. A lot of people have problems opening themselves up fully to others, to people they are intimate with, and it ends up ruining their relationships. Relationships can be saved if people work at emotional intimacy, but everyone would rather close themselves up and not be available in their true sense. They don't want to be their full self around someone else because that is when you are most venerable.

I want intimacy, but I can feel myself closing up too. I don't want to date people, I don't want to commit to them, I don't want to attach myself in any way. Or at least I say that. I probably get attached anyway because I am a woman, but overall, I can feel my emotions detaching from relationships. I don't want someone to fully know me, because I feel like they don't have that right... because they are just going to fuck me over like everyone else did. So I'm growing distant and callous, and more bitter every day.

And it's kind of nice because I know that feeling this way will make it easier to move after I get home. I know I will get comfortable (or semi-comfortable) in Columbus when I get back and that I won't want to leave my apartment and my things... the materials that I seem to have such a strong hold to.

I feel like in Zürich, with as little as I had, I started realizing what materialization was... and how the objects really didn't matter, because I can buy new clothes in a new country, and new phone, find new friends, meet new people, start a new life. It's not like it's impossible. The only thing I can't create or buy in a new country is the thing I don't even have in Ohio. So I feel a bit like I am without strings.

It's a nice feeling.

It's sort of a free, but I'll still be terrified.

This was thought of in November

2007-12-02T09:14:00.000-05:00

Backtrack to Thanksgiving:

It was kind of crazy having all the girls over during the weekend. It seemed like everything went wrong on the Friday that they all came. I did a ton of grocery shopping over lunch break and had many heavy groceries to try and run home before I went grocery shopping again in the evening. I was trying to find pumpkin and turkey and I was failing consistently.

I ended up going to the main Coop and trying again after work, but nope there really was no turkey in all of Switzerland. So after that I went to the train station to pick up the ZurichCARDs for the girls. I'd already been minorly thrown out of whack earlier in the day, when I got a disturbing email from Nicole saying that none of them wanted the ZurichCARDs because they didn't want to go to museums all day, they wanted to go to see chocolate factories and mountains. (things not really in Zürich). After some convincing, they knew it was a good deal to get the card, but when I got to the train station in the evening the lady was just closing up. So that meant we'd have to worry about getting the card in the morning before Patrick met up with us.

After the grocery and the train station after work, I really had to get busy making cookies and pie for Thanksgiving, because if I spent a whole day outside then there wouldn't be any time for cooking in the evening. There just wouldn't be enough time for it all. I was already stressing because Bridget and I hadn't really gone over a menu for the dinner, and I didn't really even know who knew about it and who wanted to come.

So after getting cookies made (with half of them ruined because I measured the flour improperly due to dry measurement vs. liquid measurement in metric) and a pie all ready for the oven, it was like beyond time to get Grace. I left like right when her train was supposed to get in, which was bad if she was actually on time. But for some reason I had this vague notion that she would be late because all the German trains were striking that week and we weren't sure if her train would even come at all or if it would come on time.

But nope, it came exactly on time, and she called me like two minutes after she got off the train. I told her I was coming, but when I hopped on the train, I got off waaay too early because I had mild confusion about which one would get me to Central vs. the Haup Bahnhof. So I ended up walking the rest of the way, which took about 30 minutes from when I left the house. And then when I got to the train station, I could not for the life of me find Grace.

She said she had gone from her station platform to the escalators below the station, but the thing is... there's a freaking underground mall beneath the train station and I had no idea where it was that she had gone. She wasn't at the front of the platform 18 entrance, and it was only after she walked back up to the main station and out into the grand opening that she realized she was at the very back/side/weeird part of the station. I guess she wasn't used to stations bigger than Gmünd. ;-)

But I felt really bad that we ended up meeting 40 minutes after her train came in (even though I totally ended up waiting 45 minutes for her and the girls in Darmstadt, and ended up having to go to their place on my own). So she complained the whole way home (haha, yeah I'm a bad person) but then she ate like half the bad cookies I made, so I hope that makes up for it.

The bad part was that because of the train strike, Nikole and Amanda had missed their train to go meet their carpool, so they ended up splurging and buying train tickets to Zürich even though they were really expensive. But their train came in at like 1 in the morning.... and trams definitely stop running at midnight. So Grace and I walked to the station to meet them there, and then we all walked back together. All in all, I walked to and from the train station three times that night... which was kind of ridiculous. (on my feet at least).

I was also stressed because I had told Patrick he could come and when to meet us... but we hadn't really made contact about the exact whereabouts and what time to meet... and I was kind of concerned because I knew he lived in Winterthur and would have to take a train into Zürich and I didn't know what time all of the girls would want to get up.

The odd thing sleeping with people that don't get up right away is that they always sleep in as long as possible... and I always get up as soon as the alarm goes off. So if we are supposed to get up at 9am, I get up... and everyone else sleeps till 9:15 or 9:30am. And while I would like to sleep in, I know that if I don't wake up and get them up, things won't get going on time, and I can't sleep in as long as I want myself. Some people just need more time than I do in the morning. I'm very much a wash and go type of girl. My alarm clock goes off, I get up, eat, brush my teeth, and go out the door. Others like to lay in bed and snooze for awhile, which is fine... but I can't marry a guy like that or I think I'd go insane. :-) Haha.

But we ended up getting out the door and meeting Patrick fine. We got the ZürichCARDs for everyone and saw museums, sights, had yummy food. We pretty much did everything awesome in Zürich so I was really happy. And then we all went back to the rotary house and spent a couple hours cooking the most hodge-podge Thanksgiving dinner ever. But it was really sweet, when all the food was done and everyone in the house was sitting around our tables eating it. We all gave thanks to what we appreciated, and I found out it was many of the people's first Thanksgiving experience ever, so I was really happy to be able to help them experience something from my culture. (like I have one, right?)

At the end of the weekend though, I was really exhausted and I realized that I only had one more weekend in Zürich after that... which both bummed and depressed me. I was freaked out that I only had like a week and a half to finish up all my projects and my final book, and only one weekend to go shopping for everyone back home.

I think that was the most stressful week ever... when 5 out of 7 nights were spent sharing my room with design girls (who I love) but I was thinking about how to get my project done and how to pack my life up every night and it was just the end of everything stress. Oh it was awful.

But ughs... I made it through, with a few scratches. And I got my cute "Happy Thanksgiving" text, but I still need to email a certain someone photos from the day. Sometimes, I am just as neglectful as men, but I swear they can still beat me any time they want.

Ohhh well, I miss emaaaail access!!! :(

When your heart is an empty womb

2007-12-01T05:10:00.000-05:00

Apparently 30 people applied. And I wasn't one of the two, so looking back, I stayed up obscenely late for no damn reason that night.

Here's hoping for more.

But no... out of 75, I'm not enough. BOO. Oh the fuck well.

Every man has one

2007-11-30T13:35:00.000-05:00

On the train to Amanda and Nikole's, I seemed to fall into a coma rather fast. The day had been more than long, after a hangover on Thursday and not nearly enough sleep from packing the night before. I finished up everything on time though... and I was ready for a nice long nap before I got to Darmstadt.

But right as I was falling asleep, a solider sat down in front of me and started settling in too. This was fine, until he jabbed his military rifle into my foot.

That's exactly what I need when I'm falling drowsy.

The longest shadows ever planned

2007-11-30T09:11:00.000-05:00

It was raining on my last day in Zürich. Adrian said the sky was crying for my departure.

I think he was right.

I'm just as sad as the sky is.

Now I'm waking up in places I've never been

2007-11-30T08:31:00.000-05:00

I busted my ass here for nothing. Or it feels like it. Ruedi doesn't "believe in A's". He and I had the "let's discuss your grade" talk yesterday.

I hate that talk.

He needed to send a letter grade to Karen for a placeholder and he started discussing how I did a very good job and they liked me a lot, but there is always room for improvement. I just sort of began to feel sick. I've worked so hard here, much harder than any other place I've been to, I put my soul into it, and it isn't even possible to earn the grade I want.

So being paid $3 an hour, and working overtime for no pay at all, until 9 or 10 many nights, coming in early, coming in on the weekends, taking on as many projects as possible, doing homework at home, going over ever detail of everything, all that extra work was for nothing.

Looking back, I probably could have put forth a lot less effort and been less stressed. But I decided to give this my all, and really try and impress people here. So I'm happy that I worked so hard and learned so much, but I feel betrayed. This grade is my only grade for the quarter, so it's going to pull my GPA down. Why do I care? I'm graduating yeah, but I would like to go to graduate school. I just got into a decent bracket and now I'm going to be tossed back down after working so hard. Fuck fuck fuck. I feel like my A was stolen from me.

I don't even like grades. Especially for a major as subjective as Design. It's not like there is ever a set answer. There are a million solutions for every problem. 2+2 can equal 4, 9, 2300, whatever the hell you want if it functions. So part of me is pissed off that I even have to worry about grades at all, because I'm not in my major for grades. I didn't take this internship for a grade. I took it to learn as much as I could about design and hone my skills.

When I showed him my final book, he went off on a 30 minute rant criticizing me about how large the Designalltag logo was on the book cover and what the grid structure was like.

I ASKED him what to do about the cover and the inside pages, and he said to look at the other student booklets and that for the inside I could have whatever grid I wanted. So I got a little irritated when he failed to mention that he wanted the same margins on the inside as on the cover, which were ones based on the other students. "Anything" doesn't mean "something you forgot to tell me".

And when I looked at the other student booklets to find out how to size my type and margins, THEY WERE ALL DIFFERENT. Which one was I supposed to use?? He later told me that one kid was crazy so his was wrong, one girl's was old so I shouldn't use that and that I really should have measured the last intern's work because he was "very precise".

Well it would have been nice to know that about a month ago. He said I was careless and just placed my logo on there, but I DID measure. I'm not an idiot, but if there are specifications he wanted me to know he should have told them to me. I would have designed everything inside to the previous intern's margins.... but he told me to come up with my own, so I did.

I feel like most of the time, anytime I did something "wrong" here it was because I was misinformed, or not informed at all.

Yes, there were a few times when I made mistakes and forgot to change a font or slide something over a bit because it was one of the hundred other things I was doing on my 5 or six projects that I was working on at once, while talking to two bosses about projects and collaborating with three people on design. It got a little crazy! And everyone makes mistakes.

But many many times, I would do something they would tell me to and then they would want to change it later, and wondered HOW I could have designed it that way in the first place. They told me things, and then dismissed that the information had even come from them in the first place. I did projects over and over changing things for them.

And then the other times I just wasn't told how to do something. They wouldn't tell me where a file was, what type to use, where the content was, how to read it in loopy handwriting, what the page specifications were. They just didn't tell me shit sometimes. And I would have to ask, feeling so stupid for asking, and then sometimes they still wouldn't give me an answer, or they would say "do whatever" or "do anything" and then they would ream me about it later. I don't know what they want if they won't tell me!! Argh!!

So between all the shit for work and the language barrier, and the sometimes anti American racist comments made, sure... I could look at things very negatively. But no, I was always very appreciative of help, honored to be here and to be working in this firm, and considerate, polite, and easy going.

But none of it matters because when I look back on it, it looks like I DIDN'T TRY.

Fuck, I don't want to go. I want to stay here and prove myself further. I'm not done yet.

Ill Peak

2007-11-27T18:45:00.001-05:00

A strange thought rolled into my head.

"You can never have sex with me again unless you rape me."

Who would say that?

You try.... again

2007-11-26T09:44:00.001-05:00

7 spreads from the end of the day. You can do this. You caaan't go home until they're done. Fuck fuck fuck.

Tomorrow is Weingart. Fuck yeeaah.

She once upset every earthquake

2007-11-25T09:12:00.000-05:00

I dreamt last night that I left Switzerland but I forgot to clean out the drawers in my desk. On the plane I was frantic to get my things back.

Besides being worried about any and everything, I'm SICK again. God dammit. I thought it was just a cough this time, since everyone around me has one, but nope today the runny runnnnny nose started again too. I just... can't.... stand... runny noses!!!

IT Tango

2007-11-23T04:34:00.000-05:00

She said: It looks. Don't you think it looks a lot like rain?

He said: Isn't it. Isn't it just like a woman?

She said: It's hard. It's just hard. It's just kind of hard to say.

He said: Isn't it. Isn't it just. Isn't it just like a woman?

She said: It goes. Thats the way it goes. It goes that way.

He said: Isn't it. Isn't it just like a woman?

She said: It takes. It takes one. IT takes one to. It takes one to know.

He said: Isn't it just like a woman?

She said: She said it. She said it to no. She said it to no one.
Isn't it. Isn't it just. Isn't it just like a woman?

Remember the red leaf

2007-11-22T12:48:00.000-05:00

I've done a lot of work.
But I just feel worn out.

I am tired of working on the same project 12 hours a day. I am tired when I go home. I am tired when I don't get enough sleep and when I wake up stressed in the morning. I am tired of trying to live two lives at once and not knowing which one is right.

"I just want to concentrate on my nap." -STILL true after 3 years!

The only time we speak at all, we erupt with things we say but don't mean

2007-11-22T06:23:00.001-05:00

I am actually not believing this week is over already. It's ALREADY Thursday.

The only good thing is that I think I'm calming down a little bit. I'm 2 more spreads away from sanity, 80 hrs from catharsis, and I have an American girl to hang out with on Thanksgiving.

Can't ask for much more. :)

Wired all wrong

2007-11-22T05:23:00.000-05:00

Damn.

I've had the album for a week and a half and I've listened to it 19 times already. If that's not addiction...

Fm never lies. I listened to a Self song 40 times in the past 2 months. And this is just since I started counting... if I had counted pitchshifter and elliot smith... well, the list would be very different.

A is for asthma and annoying

2007-11-22T03:24:00.000-05:00

Yay! I love love looove girly time. I had the best talk with Laura last night. She got in around 8 and met me at the tram by my house. I was worried we'd have trouble getting there at the same time, but we met at the tram instantly. It was like fate, even though we had planned it, I stepped off the tram right after she'd gotten off hers and attacked her with a hug. Such happiness! And at my place we talked intensely for 4 hours straight just catching each other up.

I love how in Europe any time you interact with people it's one on one, and you have deeper conversations than you ever would before. It's like nose diving into a certain point in the relationship. You don't have time for pleasantry crap. You aren't going to see this person again so you immediately start talking about what's on your mind. And it's GREAT.

So even with people you've just met for the first time, you quickly latch on and have profound conversation.

I just wish I had more time to talk. I wish I weren't so busy right now. :(

Don't mix your drinks. Don't mix with him.

2007-11-21T12:08:00.000-05:00

Yep.
I am still furious.

And I think I do need girly talk tonight, even if I am piled up to my eyeballs in shit.

ass
ass
ass!

I think I am about to be extremely pissed. I'll let you know how that goes. For now I'm just mildly resentful.

And some time I need to write about my amazing weekend because it was so good I need to get that down. I just got slammed with a bad week.

It's my fault for talking to people that aren't Swiss, isn't it?
Whatever.

Wake up World

2007-11-20T15:31:00.000-05:00

If I were him, she would have said more than "hi" in response.

But I'm not.

And when she says she is thinking about me a lot and misses me
I don't believe her
because

it seems like she is just saying that because she feels bad that she's not there anymore. But not bad enough to actually change her actions.

She's still not talking. She's still not around. She's gone. She left me for him.

And it's OK, because I will find some other people. I'll find something.
But she doesn't have to say she's thinking about me when all her actions all say she is thinking about her fiancé.

Actions always speak louder than words. And I always listen closely.

Everyone skips like a broken record

2007-11-20T14:06:00.000-05:00

I forgot that this weekend is Thanksgiving.
I forgot that that's when everyone goes home to their families.

I forgot that I didn't go to my family's dinner last year.
I forgot about crying because I just really wanted my mom's pie.

And it just hurt.

I forgot about fighting
and the world ending
and being half alive
and half sane.

I think I should keep 30% for me. The rest isn't fun anyway.

Apply yourself

2007-11-20T10:37:00.001-05:00

Oh the application process is starting again. How American.

I sent 4 out today. I'm only really interested in one of them.

My palms keep sweating on my laptop. It's too hot. Or I'm dirty. Or whatever.

STRESS

Breakups

2007-11-20T09:23:00.001-05:00

Bad self esteem is not attractive
Over confidence is not attractive

Most guys I know are one of the other. Very few mixes.

And I never understood it before now, but I realize now that people just out of relationships are not attractive.

It doesn't matter how nice of a person they are or how well we get along. It doesn't matter if they are cute or tall or dark and handsome. The failure preceding them is very ugly. It seems like something is just wrong. Because even though we could hit it off... things just completely failed with someone else.

Now, people that I thought I would like when they were single seem messed up already. Like I don't need to screw them up further. Things would just fail. And that feeling will probably change, especially after they've been single for awhile, but this fresh with the break it's just a no.

No
No, no, never. Not now.

You get emotional too. As long as you know it's because our relationship sucks.

2007-11-20T04:24:00.000-05:00

Coincidences are really something.

As soon as the past is dredged up by songs, multiple people start bringing up things from around the same time. It's like they KNOW. There is a vibe.

And it weirds me out.

I don't want to think about all the past. The past is bad. I mean.. parts of it you know. The present is good.

I'm safe here.

As long as I forget, as long as I am closed. I am safe.

Safe
Safe
Safe

On a non-related note. I am stressed the FUCK out. I had a really bad night awhile ago where the stress just started eating away at me. Like I hadn't been that stressed in a LONG time. Not since before the summer, when there was tons of shit to do. I'm stressing over any and everything right now.

Slow

2007-11-19T12:46:00.000-05:00

I don't even recall who I was back then. I mean I do, but I don't. It was such a short phase, but I really was in a different world. A world I'm still not sure I fit in, but regardless I was meeting new people, seeing how others lived, experiencing new things. I think it was beneficial to live it. Even if at the end it was painful, like everything else.

And here, in Zürich, after everything that's happened. I forgot about it. I pushed it out of my mind.

But when I listen to that music everything comes back again, and just for a minute I can remember how it was. Until the song ends.

Nails

2007-11-16T11:47:00.001-05:00

It seems like I'm cutting my nails every five minutes in Switzerland.

I swear they don't grow like this back in Ohio. In Zurich they are long, healthy and ever so annoying to have to trim all the time. Sure, maybe you might blame it on how I'm viewing the passage of time. Perhaps I just don't notice that 2 weeks is passing by. I'm not really checking how much they grow every day... but I just don't remember cutting my nails with such frequency (or having them be so long when I do it) in Ohio.

Zurich is the magic solution for nails apparently.

Cigarettes

2007-11-16T11:44:00.000-05:00

"You want a smoke?" -Felix as he goes out to the balcony with Adrian for his Friday smoke.

"You have the dessert cigarette, the 4 o'clock cigarette, and now the pre-evening cigarette" -Adrian on smoking

After all this

2007-11-15T08:30:00.000-05:00

"Mao- Every thought that causes weakening of the will to combat or signifies an underestimation of the enemy is false. To fight, to be defeated, to fight again, to be defeated again, to fight once more and so on until victory. That is the logic of the people."
-Claus Bremer

Sneezing

2007-11-15T05:35:00.000-05:00

Okay, this is going to sound really stupid, but it's something that's been bothering me. Some people are biased with the way they handle sneezing.

Sneezing itself is kind of weird. Different people have explanations for why we do it, but it all boils down to someone making a huge noise when they would otherwise be silent.

Now, it's not that I'm religious, or proper, or that I even really care if someone acknowledges my sneeze, but it bothers me when any order of the following happens:

I sneeze, no one says anything.
Someone else sneezes, everyone says "Gesundheit." (Or "Bless you" in America)
I sneeze again, no one says anything.

Now, it doesn't matter if I sneeze first or if someone else does. People don't forget to say 'Gesundheit' to me and then "remember" to say it to the other people. It's not that I'm not saying "Gesundheit" to other people and so they don't want to say it to me, because I usually say it unless someone has sneezed 4 times in a row.

I'd be fine saying it for everyone, or not at all. I don't really care that much, because after all, it is JUST a sneeze. But it bothers me when people will say "Gesundheit" to others but not to me. It's not that they never say it to me, because they say it about 20% of the time I sneeze. And it's not that I'm sneezing an inordinate amount of times during the day. I probably sneeze 2 times a day or so at work. Felix probably sneezes at least 4 times a day or more.

I'm not demanding "Bless you"s here, but I think a little fairness is in order. Why do some people deserve the "Bless you" and not me? Am I not good enough for them to acknowledge the loud noise I'm making?

It's not like this has only happened here. I remember it bothering me a lot in high school too. The girls in science class would always say "Bless you" to the other kids, their friends, but not to me.

All or none, I don't like any of this half-and-half prejudiced crap.

Lost Angeles

2007-11-14T12:09:00.001-05:00

I don't understand money in this place.

-For a few days I forgot that I was carrying around 400chf in my backpack.
-Today I was sent with a 200chf note today to buy lollipops. I failed to find any, but it was nevertheless strange.
-I usually have at least 30chf of change with me at all times.

I have no savings account here. And no savings, besides the money that is on me.

I was really sad to find out that 100 francs is only about 60 euros. I'm going to be hurting when I go to Germany. But I guess everything is cheaper there than it is here....

Whatever.

My American money seems more worthless every day. The value is going
down
down down
down
doooooown.

Chemical girls and chemical boys

2007-11-14T11:46:00.000-05:00

In the silence of the evening office setting, Felix ran the paper shredder and it

rrrrrRRRRRRRrrrrrred

...and he looked up with this completely guilty face, the kind you make when you're five and you are using the pencil sharpener for the first time. So I snickered because of his reaction. And when he did it a second time, I laughed again and told him with mock disapproval that he was "making NOISE" with the paper shredder.

That's when he laughed and said "It's my mixer" in a sheepish voice.

And I don't know why, but that cracks me up.

Swiss Forum

2007-11-14T09:22:00.000-05:00

It's a very strange feeling, to be critiqued almost entirely in Swiss German.

I mean, I'm used to design critiques in Columbus. I love them. We talk, discuss, explore, make decisions, advance, determine. We do all these things. And in some ways, it is the same in Switzerland.

But it just kind of odd to have a formal critique about my work in a language that I am not nearly fluent in. Everyone was standing around the designs, making comments and suggestions, and I could only pick out what certain words meant... or guess what they were saying. And while I love listening to the language, I needed to know what they were saying.

Apathy

2007-11-14T04:29:00.000-05:00

I don't want to do anything tonight besides going to bed.
I don't want to shower, I don't want to have chocolate fondue, I don't want to hang out with people.

It's this office... it is bad for my workflow. See... the floors are heated, and there is a probably with the overall amount of heat in the building. It's warm.

Very warm...

And as a result, I heat up and relax and get comfy and tired.... and I lose interest in being awake or doing work. I start thinking about my pajamas, my bed, my sheets, stretching out my toes and closing my eyes.

I slump.

So I go to the bathroom. Oh Nikole, she knows about intern bathroom breaks. Yep. And I go in there and stretch. And sometimes if I'm really tired I sit down and lean against the tile for awhile, usually until the fan turns on. Then I stretch again, splash some cold water on my face and venture out into the office again. I always feel slightly guilty coming back from the bathroom, even if I really did need to go.

And it's only after lunch, usually around 4pm, that I feel like I am fully awake. Yes, it takes me a good 8 hours to "wake up". So you can imagine why 24 hour days don't quite work with me, when it takes me 8 hours to get going, 16 hours after that to get tired of working, and 12 hours of sleep to regenerate. I'm just slow I suppose.

I don't know if I can conform to the 9-5 (or 9-7 in my case) with all this excess heat. Someone's gotta do something about it.

By the time work ends... I know I will be excited to go home, see friends, stay up, drink wine, have a merry time... but for the bulk of the morning I'm always very against it.

Yes, I'm working

2007-11-13T19:06:00.001-05:00

I make enough notes at work to look like I am diligently doing something, when in fact, I am ridiculously tired and straining to keep my eyes open.

A few musings on Designalltag, which I will probably add to later:

Felix steals pens.
Merel gets up from her desk way too much, causing me to be on alert.
My Typography book is sitting here and I've only read half of it.

I'm a bad girl.
Oops.

...and my final project? I mean... sure it's 40 pages, but it's only 20 spreads. It's 'just' like double-spacing back in 8th grade. Oh yeah....

Okay, so I am leaving it at this for now. But you'd better expect an entry about sneezes soon. Because I have some things to say about the topic. And when I write "say" I mean "complain" for all the optimists out there.

Oh... and this is totally the 125th journal I've written this quarter. How's that for persistence?

You found your final resting place. A big, big boat.

2007-11-13T19:00:00.001-05:00

I want to sleep forever and I want to stay up forever.
I want to go home this instant and I want to stay here forever.
I want to work forever or not at all.
I'm desperately excited about winter and I'm completely terrified to live through it.
I'm perfectly happy and completely miserable.
All the wrong people say I'm exceptional and the right people say I'm typical.
I feel completely crazy and totally sane.

I want to say I am happy with what I can do on my own, but I realized the other day that in this profession, I need to have the approval of others. In the harsh reality, I need to know that I am doing a good job, and I can't find that out on my own. Other's opinions both shape and change what I do, and even help form the definition of good design. Not to say that I don't like my own work, but I feel like there is a lot of improvement to be made. And yes, I am striving to gain the satisfaction of others. It's not like it's such a bad thing. I need to learn more.

Right now, I am close to standing on the precipice of decision. I am afraid. I am afraid to make that decision, and step out into that role I feel I must fill. When I think of everything it entails, I want to choke... but with time I hope I can gather a strong determination to make the right choice. I think I know what I want to do, but I am afraid of making the wrong decisions.

Rah rah

2007-11-13T18:46:00.000-05:00

Ahh.... why do they always have to be so ridiculously cute?

And why do I always start my journals with "ahhh"? Why am I always groaning?? Ahhhhhhhh.

I find these at work

2007-11-13T09:04:00.000-05:00

The only way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears. ~W.H. Auden

Day will be richer than night.

2007-11-11T17:56:00.000-05:00

The perfect date is bittersweet when you know that you will never see the person ever again.

How frustrating.

*never, meaning highly unlikely

We feel like just walking away

2007-11-10T15:57:00.000-05:00

Shit is blowing up.

These past two days are ugly. Things can only get uglier from here. I'm not looking forward to winter anymore. I'm not looking forward to June. I'm not looking forward to what I don't know.

Everyone is leaving in every way. Next year won't be the same at all. There are no more autumns left. No more halloweens or thanksgivings or football seasons. No more leaf falling. Everything about college is ending, and that means it is time to leave.

I don't have that reason to stay in Columbus.... the reason that everyone else seems to have found already. There is no one keeping me in Columbus. No one tying me down. And while I am allowed to stay, while I have friends and family who would love for me to stay and be with them, because there is not one person keeping me there I feel like I have to go. I am almost required to leave. People have told me that I should not ruin my opportunity by getting caught in something that will keep me here. Well thus far... I have kept astray from anything resembling the possibility of a marriage. I am irrevocably single... the one requirement for unstrung departure.

Even my sister mentioned today in passing, "Oh, well you'll be gone by then anyway." She's so sure? Gone where? Where will I be? What will I be doing? Who will I know?

I feel alone before I've left.

I feel pushed out despite being loved. I feel like there is not room enough for me in Columbus. Because as much as my family and friends love me there, they have what they need in Columbus and I don't. My mother has her husband and her children in Columbus. That is her world... and it's all right there. I have neither of those in Columbus.... they don't even exist, so I don't have such an attachment to the city. It's hard for her to understand that that her world is not mine. We have different needs. And in turn, I am part of her world, and I realize that leaving will be taking something from her world.

Sure, it will always be the city that I grew up in. And yes, I do love it. I like being there, I like knowing the people there and hanging out with them. But what am I supposed to do? Wait around the city until Mr. Right walks along and the perfect job falls in place too? And in the mean time sit around at the family functions with the extended spouses and smile convincingly when my Grandma comments that I'll find someone nice soon?

Twice in a row tonight, friends had to say goodbye because it was time to go eat dinner with their boyfriends.

By now I'm used to them doing this because they eat with their significant others a lot. But having them both state the reason within 20 minutes of each other made me wonder where I was left alone. Was it even like this when I was going out with someone? Did someone even want to eat dinner with me? What's the point of even being in Columbus if they are just going off with their men and ignoring me?

Yeah... I sound selfish. Extremely, I know. But seriously, they are always off with their men. And yeah, they should be because they love them, and need to spend time with them to marry them, and quality time and all that. But is all I have to look forward to the hope that I will find someone who wants to eat all his dinners with me and sometimes have double dates with my friends as well? I guess it peeves me a little because I know that when it all comes down to it, they would rather spend time with their boyfriends than with me. And yeah, that's jealous and self-centered, I could be the same as them if I had a guy. But I don't. So there's a lot of time when friends just aren't there.

I guess I just didn't expect for everyone to be settling down so soon. Yes, I am younger than everyone else. But not by that much! My sister keeps talking about how old she is at 23. Yeah. Real old. I hope she'll know how to comfort me when I'm 26 and still very much not married. Yes, it's different for the both of us. She is meant to settle down and have a family and I guess I am meant to have a life. (Yes, I realize how mean that sounds but I said it anyway!)

If I don't take this opportunity to go out and do things then I am fucking wasting my time. I can't waste my time in Columbus when I can be striving to do something. I need to figure out grad school. Internships. Jobs. A career. Accomplishments. Something tangible.

Because a career is the only hope for a nice life that I have right now. I haven't met a nice pre-law/doctor and I'm not going to. I'm not going to meet the "right guy". People can stop telling me he's out there because I'm tired of hearing that he just hasn't found me yet. Mr. Nice Guy... he's really really bad at finding me. Maybe he's in a boat, in an ocean, without a compass... but he's not here.

I just want one reason. I'd stay for that reason. Give me a reason.

In Memory

2007-11-09T12:00:00.000-05:00

He was in love when he died. I try to remember that.

No matter how much I disagree with the war, or everything that it stands for, he chose to go and fight for a cause he believed in, to try and make a difference. He wanted to change things.

I just hate thinking about what drove him to go. Sometimes I worry that it wasn't the cause so much that made him go, but that he was unhappy with life. He was having a hard time before he left. He'd been screwed over by a woman who cheated on him.

He had difficulty getting over her, because as much as a slut that she was, he still loved her. It was immoral and wrong, and he got hurt over and over by her. He also was having trouble with money between paying for his apartment and keeping bills under control.

When he slept, he dreamt about her, and it drove him mad. He didn't want to see her in his dreams anymore, so he drank. He drank a lot more than he should have... and he made an ass of himself in front of some people that he shouldn't have. But still, drinking every day and passing out kept him from seeing her in his dreams, and that kept him safe.

He was hurting.

And so with the offer of money from the military, and the chance to leave the town where she was, he left. He left, he went to Iraq, and he never came back.

I'm sad when I think that money and troubles with love are what made him leave, but that's not all to his story. He did find someone before he left, he did fall in love, and I believe he was happy again. And while he was in the hot desert, falling asleep in danger every night, I know he was thinking about his girl, and every moment he'd spent with her. And I guess that makes it seem a little better...

Still, it's hard to forget. And yes, I wish it turned out differently in his case.

Merel's Birthday

2007-11-08T16:37:00.000-05:00

She turned 22 today. We celebrated at Designalltag. :)

I had the chance to burn her masters. And I wish I did.

2007-11-07T05:15:00.000-05:00

"How can you think with those headphones on?"

How can I work without them?? I constantly need distraction to keep me on task. I need the internet. I need blogs, and emails, and instant messaging. I need music, television, noise. I need pictures and video and flash dance battles animated before my eyes.

All so I can concentrate.

See... I have to turn my brain half on and half off. I have to turn most of my mind off (the wandering part) so that I stop thinking about anything and everything in my head and put all my thought outside of me, into the design. I stay just focused enough so that I can read words and use motor skills. It's kind of like trying to dim the light switch.

Basically, I have to be half neurotic to get anything done.

Everyone's beating, but I'm still going slow.

2007-11-06T20:01:00.000-05:00

But what about the milk? Do I need milk? Will they spoil in two days? How long do they take? How do I store them? What if I ruin them? I've never done this before.

"Don't worry. We'll do it."

Haha... sometimes the anxiety of others makes me smile. Worrying over nothing...

Tonight I watched Sex and the City with the girls in the house. I love having girl time with them. I think this silly major of mine really has made me more of a girly girl. I love love loove talking about gossip and silly girly crap. And even though the Tom boy in me balks every time I bring up something besides computers, I think it's healthy for me to "act like a woman" every once in awhile. That includes being freakishly giddy about weekend events. :)

DSCN4646

2007-11-06T14:15:00.001-05:00

DSCN4646, originally uploaded by erasmus.germany.

Mwhahaha.

Chewing chewing gum

2007-11-05T18:54:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to clack my keyboard with more ferocity.

I blame it on the Swiss.

Mwahahahaha

Choke.

2007-11-05T06:18:00.001-05:00

I'm scared to start the first sketch.

I love my Mom.

2007-11-03T23:14:00.000-04:00

She sent me a package this week with cookies, crackers, granola bars, chicken soup, gum, candy, floss, a toothbrush, and six pairs of socks.

I was seriously happy to get a package from my mom. A lot of other people I know studying abroad have had their parents come visit them personally, but I know this is impossible for me, so a package is the closest thing to seeing her that I can get. I had really been looking forward to it because she'd asked me if there was anything I'd wanted and I'd realized how much I wanted some socks that were nice. While they just go on your feet, and most time you don't think about them, socks are very important!

So on Saturday, I woke up early (something I had problems with later on in the weekend) and walked to Die Post to pick up my parcel. When I got back to my room, I excitedly took off my shoes and socks in anticipation of new ones free of holes.

I don't think her package could have been any better. It had everything I needed and more. I was so so happy to see every pair of socks and look them over and get excited about wearing them to work. (I'm SUCH a dork!) And then she sent items that were just right, like granola bars because I'd said I wanted some of those, three containers of homemade cookies that made me squeal.

But I think the MOST thoughtful item, and the most funny, was the toothbrush. You might wonder why my mom would send me a toothbrush. Is she assuming that I didn't bring one with me? I didn't ask for one. No, she gave me a toothbrush because she knew I'd had a really bad cold the week before, and she wanted me to change my toothbrush so that I don't re-infect myself with the old one. She is SUCH a doctor, and I love her to pieces! Between that and the chicken soup, I am set on further cold supplies for the rest of the month. :-)

So I called her to thank her for everything and I got to hear my puppy in the background. (He hasn't been tossed in the oven yet!) and speak with my lifepartner and my father. It was really nice talking to everyone, especially the people hard to get ahold of on the internet.

My Dad asked me to make sure I didn't spend a fortune on phone bills, but the entire hour and 20 minute call cost $2, so I wasn't really concerned with costs. I think the €7.45 I have left will probably last me the rest of the time here. At least my skype money is finally being put to use... I can't believe I originally bought it because I didn't have a cell phone! Oh, how the times have changed.

I hate my connection

2007-11-02T17:06:00.000-04:00

Fuck.

Aaaaand that would be the internet breaking again folks.

Yup. Definitely not fixed OR reliable yet.

Grurrrrhhhh...... I can't take this unreliable connection! It's driving me insane.

At least I got to call the best friend before it died.

Pff. I'm gonna kick this internet.

Even if it starts working tomorrow, when is it going to break again?

BAH.

Back to sporadically gleaning internet from the cold attic.....

1, 2, 3, 4, tell me that you love me more.

2007-11-02T16:42:00.000-04:00

Okay before you read this... take note that I did all of these calculations while I was waiting for work to end and between waiting for laundry to finish. So no sass about wasting my time thinking about silly things in Europe! I promise I'll go salsa dancing right after this. (or go to bed and wake up early for crepes!)

Anyway...

Today I was mesmerized by numbers and time at work and I came up with the following sets about my schedules. I was thinking back on what my schedule was like in Spring and how ridiculous it was with so many all nighters and the amount of hours in studio. Remember the sleep/coffee chart?? Oh that was good times. And right now I seem to be getting a lot more sleep, but I'm still crazy tired all the time... which might have something to do with the insane levels of stress I'm going through right now... or maybe the weather just makes me more tired or something.

I decided to project what my winter schedule will be like because A. I hope it's not as crazy as Spring quarter, B. I'm neurotic, and C. I can't stop counting. I love love love counting.

For Spring, I had typically one all-nighter per week, without fail, for the entire quarter. I struggled to work 20 hours a week, because I had studio classes for school. The awesome part about studio courses is that when it's a 5 hour class, you actually have about 10 hours of scheduled class time with the teacher... and then homework on top of that. So a 21 hour schedule actually had me in class for 40 hours a week. School is a full time job. Sweet.

Remember, there are 168 hours in a week. Sadly, never more or less. The following schedules are for a typical week. (It's not like I planned which day I would have an all-nighter on... they would just happen.)

Spring Fall Winter
Sleep: 40 54 50
M 4 3 6
T 3 5 6
W 0 8 4
R 6 10 6
F 3 8 4
S 12 8 12
S 12 12 12

Work: 20 55 29
M 3 10 11
T 5 10 0
W 3 12 11
R 5 12 7
F 4 11 0

School: 40 5 31
M 6 1 0
T 8 1 14
W 12 1 0
R 8 1 6
F 6 1 11

Hw: 48 10 36
M 8 2 4
T 8 2 2
W 8 2 8
R 5 1 5
F 8 2 4
S 3 0 5
S 8 1 8

Play: 20 44 22
M 3 8 3
T 0 6 2
W 1 1 1
R 0 0 0
F 3 2 5
S 9 16 7
S 4 11 4

Okay... and you might think I'm friggin crazy/retarded for counting out everything. But I like to look back on what I've done and actively notice what I'm doing now so that it can help guide my future. By looking at how my week breaks down into hours I can see where I spend my time doing what and it helps me stay productive and make sure that I'm accomplishing my goals. It's easy to let time just slip away doing random shit, but if you count up how much time you spend doing what... then you can see if you're using your time constructively.

I would be dismayed if I counted my figures and realized I was wasting 60 hours a week partying. And from the counting, I will not feel bad EVER for sleeping 12 hours on the weekend, because my overall average for sleep is always less than the healthy amount of 8 and always less than the amount of hours put in for work. If anything, I will continue to try and increase my weeknight average for a better balance. Taking away hours on the weekend would NOT help the problem... so I will continue to never listen to people telling me I am wasting the day away sleeping. I would literally die if I kept up the all-nighters and homework benders during the week.

And I think it's interesting to note that even now in Zurich, I tend to always have an average of 60 hours per week spent between work and school. I seem to always work more than sleep. Sleep levels have gone up while I am here as well as recreational activity, but I expect a drop in both when the school year returns. Still, I am forecasting that when I get back I will spend a little more time each week sleeping and having fun than I did spring quarter. HOPEFULLY.

Advice

2007-11-01T12:40:00.000-04:00

Gleaning book designing experience from Ruedi is like learning how to drive from my dad: tough.

Attitude

2007-11-01T12:05:00.000-04:00

I love the word "What". Especially followed with a question mark.

I love your face when you yell at me, I giggle.

2007-10-31T19:44:00.001-04:00

My soap smells like a field trip to the aquarium in first grade...

Tonight was interesting... salsa dancing.
Yeah.

Sad part? I was probably one of the most experienced salsa dancers in our group.

Uh huh. I can hear you laughing. Thanks.

Anyway, we went out to Sugar Lounge to check out the dancing. They were having a class when we first got there, and it didn't end until 10pm, so we couldn't start dancing until then. Which meant a long night... at least a long Wednesday night. So much for getting in bed by 10pm. Haha.

Problem? Not many guys to dance with.

I seem to be that girl that nobody asks to dance, ever. I don't know if I'm not pretty enough, or if I don't look friendly enough, or if I'm a sore eye on the dance floor or what. It's not that I can't dance, because Mihai said I seemed to know what I was doing and knew more moves than Anca (he's too nice, really I suck). And I'm sure that Bridget is right, if I asked any guy to dance on the floor they would say yes. But why do I aaaalways have to be the one to ask? I've been rejected when I've asked before... and I'm not even the one supposed to be asking.

All of these men come to the dance and just hang around the walls... .waiting for women to ask them to dance? What the hell... I just want a guy to ask me like he's supposed to. Some guy asked Bridget, but I don't get asked. Even in dance classes, I was always the one person out of 30 who didn't have a guy ask them. There's something wrong with me. I'm not very appealing.

... yeah that was the rant for the night. Now here's the mini rant.

It was weird that Ashish came late to the club, ordered a chocolate shake, and then sat in the front and didn't talk to anyone and didn't try dancing. I'm really not sure why he came to the club if he wasn't going to be sociable. And I don't feel like trying to help guys like him become more sociable. I've learned in the past that it's a lost cause. They can change on their own.

So instead he just sat there and didn't really make an effort to talk to people. It's just painfully awkward around him sometimes. Then he left early, because he wasn't really doing anything there. And it makes me wonder... before we went out I asked how the gay bar was from the weekend I went to Germany, and Ashish snapped that "We didn't go because you went to Germany", like it's my fault they decided not to go to a bar. He snaps at me for that and then doesn't try and have a good time when he does go to a bar when I'm here. What does my being in Germany have to do with it?? I just don't understand why he says some things.

But enough ranting tonight, it's ridiculously late, I'm tired... and now I've danced... which makes me more tired.

What has happened to studio Katie? Where did my stamina go? I feel like I'm fading away...

Oh, so you're in Antarctica then. That's cool.

2007-10-31T13:47:00.001-04:00

Dammit... I left my cereaaaaal at work!!! :( :( :(

Poo. At least I have a little left. But it's not the expensive cinnamon nut crunch kind. (that I add a tiny amount of to my cornflakes for budget reasons....)

Oh well... I have a feeling I'm going to work tomorrow, so I'll just have to wait and get it then. I guess I was really rushing when I left today, but it was kind of a crazy day. Felix was gone until 3pm (wooo) so I had all morning to rewrite my design proposal and send it to Paul again. I get seriously sick in the head after staring at these words for so long.

Intro/Thesis
Topic Sentences/Supporting Sentences
"
"
"
"
Conclusion/Thesis

It's a neat little list, and I have a fancy little outline and everything with lots of information, and all I reaaallly have to do is fill in these little forms with words... sentences that have subjects, nouns and verbs, but
ugh
ugh
ughs.

That's where it gets hard!

So really, I spent a painful 4 or 5 hours today just going over every paragraph, sentence and word... hoping that what I meant to say was being conveyed by these little letters. And now...

my brain is dead.

...at least for today. Because all day I've been spacing out in these weird moments. At the grocery store, I was standing next to two men for 5 minutes before I realized they were speaking English. I didn't even RECOGNIZE my own language! Yah. I dunno what the hell I thought they were speaking, but they were using real words and phrases that I could comprehend. Maybe I'm used to just hearing words and voices and not knowing what they mean.

Or maybe I'm just OUT OF IT.

I want to crawl in bed and start dreaming the good half of last night's dream again... but I have to go home and contemplate whether my feet are in good enough shape (they hurt!!) to go salsa dancing (with who??). And make food.

Oh.

And Papa Nini emailed me back and said my thesis makes more sense now.
SO, he's going to email it to Stone and Chan.

..... STONE. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

What I've been up to

2007-10-31T05:15:00.001-04:00

What I've been up to, originally uploaded by atlaswoof.

Read the tags.

Peacocks

2007-10-31T04:07:00.000-04:00

I had another nightmare about swimming in a lake and trying to keep my camera bag afloat so that it doesn't fill with water and break my baby.

I hate that dream.

I woke up terribly tired, even after 10 hours of sleep. I think the effects of the past couple nights are catching up to me (5-6 hrs of sleep both nights, respectively) and my body can't handle any small amount of sleep right now. It's like a vacuum, it's trying to suck up as much sleep as possible.

The result is that I feel tired and crappy every morning. But I still never want to go to bed at night. I seem to only feel truly awake by 8pm, which is just sad.

aaaaaand... I'm hoping I can work on my thesis a bit today at work so I can resend it to Papa Nini. Right now it sounds "like you're involved in the civil engineering, urban planning + transportation system design, which i'm pretty sure you are not" so I have to make it sound more design like.

Guh... stupid English words. I have no talent for writing. Time to go push them around a little more. And I'm running out of food again, and trying to not go grocery shopping so much this week. But I needs my cereal.

Why does everything run out at the same time? And where the hell did October go?

Never say never

2007-10-29T19:38:00.000-04:00

What the fuck??? The one day that I stay at work until 11:30pm to use the internet so I can complete my thesis.... Noboru fixes the internet!

Argggggggghhhhhh........

I could have been home HOURS ago. Bah!!!

What was that last number?

2007-10-28T19:51:00.001-04:00

I am seriously bummed that Kent is moving to Nationwide. This is SO disappointing.

I'm kind of heartbroken. :(

You should seek therapy in preparation.

2007-10-28T13:20:00.000-04:00

Ooh, today was fun!

Patrick woke me up at 9am with a text message reminding me that today the clocks were set back an hour and that he would see me at 12. This didn't upset me at all because A. I got to sleep more, B. I was going to send him this same message but hadn't bothered to and C. I was hoping he was going to be cute.

At noon I went to meet Patrick at the Botanical Gardens like we planned and he was just what I'd hoped! Cute, friendly and extremely Swiss. :">

We walked around the gardens, talking and getting to know each other. I had already been to the gardens and Patrick had been when he was a boy, but it was a nice place to wander around and chat. The garden houses were really warm too. This is probably where my makeup and hair started looking crappy, but I didn't look too awful when I got home...

After the gardens, we had planned to go to Café Sprüngli, but we ended up walking all over the city while Patrick pointed out places of interest. He asked me if I wanted to go to the Grossmünster and climb to the top, so we went to the church and he paid the entrance to the tower. He was just such a gentleman, opening doors for me and letting me go first up the tower and second on the way down. I'm not used to guys being so chivalrous!

Once we'd seen the Grossmünster, he asked if I had seen the Chagall glass in another church or the Lindendorf. I said I didn't think I had, but when we went to the places I'd realized that Ashish had taken me to them a few weeks earlier. Still, it was nice to go to them again with Patrick and have different things to say and hear about them. I guess it was an excuse to spend more time with him? Haha. Yeah, shameless, I know.

Around 2:15 we headed over to Café Sprüngli, but it was unusually packed with people so we headed over to the Grand Cafe instead and got coffees. This means I still need to go to Sprüngli to order muesli! Still, we ended up staying and talking until 5pm, when Patrick had to head back home for Sunday dinner with his family.

We walked to Staedlhofen and I thanked him for the coffee and for showing me around. I said I would be interested in seeing the Foto museum in Winterthur where he lives and we parted ways.

After speaking with him and other Swiss men, I'm starting to notice what exactly the Swiss accent is. They definitely have their own way of pronouncing things in English, and overall, the accent pleases me. I didn't notice it right when I got here, partly because I am not around actual Swiss people that often, but it also takes a fair amount of speaking to bring it out. There is a certain ring in the voice, that is just.... Swiss.

All in all, he was surprisingly normal.

I'm going to have to thank Laura for introducing us. :-) .

Teach me that it's melting

2007-10-27T16:30:00.000-04:00

Hmm... For some reason, staring at my radiator just now, and listening to the slight pops it makes made me remember something from first grade:

I remember sitting in Mrs. Macatee's class, in the corner of the pod building. I'd set my little desk up so that it was next to a radiator, and I'd told my friend that if we pushed our desks right up to it, we could use it as extra desk space. It made me really happy to increase my desk space by 25%. I piled up my books and my pencil box on it, and happily went on with my day.

But the next day I came back and there was a funny smell. I opened up my pencil box and realized all of my crayons had melted on the radiator, because of the heat.

I hadn't thought about them melting. I was only six after all.

It's the end of the world right now.

2007-10-27T15:00:00.000-04:00

Slim Jims taste like Columbus when I was 13.

I don't think I can go out tonight. Everyone wants to go dancing and drinking, but I blow my nose every five minutes and alcohol is a bad idea right now.

Plus... I just got in the mood to right for my thesis which NEVER happens. So I am going to sit here and write write write while fighting my add procrastination at the same time. (Oh my god, a monkey!)

*runs off*

Her mind has since exploded all over the neighborhood

2007-10-27T09:12:00.000-04:00

I couldn't get up early enough today.

I was supposed to have breakfast sandwiches with Karl and Marcus, but for the life of me I could not pull myself out of bed at 10:30am. So I slept until 2:03pm.

And it felt good.

Maybe it was because I was on the border of my dream and I didn't want to let it go yet. But when I went back to sleep things didn't turn out so well. Dreams of extreme pleasure were quickly rocked into terrible nightmares. Just when everything was how I wanted in the dream... I looked out the window and realized there was water up to the second floor of the house, and quickly rising. Then I was in a situation of emergency, trying to escape from a house with my mother and little sister.

Why am I dreaming about these terrible events? Last night it was rape, today it was natural disaster. Both of which seemed very real and very traumatic in the dreams.

Of course I woke up from the flooding dream and tried to put it out of my mind as I sunk back into sleep. My mind settled for a nightmare about a scientific expedition to exterminate giant insects. (of the 30 foot variety)

Great.

Thanks mind. I really appreciate all this scary crap.

But despite the dreams, I'm hoping that if I continue to sleep as much as possible that my body will put itself back in order. My stupid nose has stopped running as much... but now it's almost as annoying as when it is runny. Every time I breathe in and out I can feel everything and I hate it. If THAT would go away I would really start feeling better.

And I still look like I'm hungover and crying, but at least I can start wearing eyeliner again.

I won't sing of thorns in my side.

2007-10-26T17:02:00.000-04:00

Between dreaming about basic needs and daily problems, I go back and forth between dreams of profuse desire and irrational fears.

I keep dreaming of the same thing over and over, and I wake up wondering if I will ever attain what I wish for.

Another part of my subconscious provokes dreams of illogical fears and unfounded tension. A couple nights ago I dreamt about one of the guys in the rotary house attempting to rape me, and going to my mother, weeping for help through my terror.

I woke up thoroughly disturbed.

Never.... have I ever felt real fear between myself and a man on a sexual level. I have always regarded myself as a strong woman able to hold my own. Yet somehow, in this dream I was terrified of what this man was going to do to me, and that there was nothing I could do to stop him but run for help. I felt terrified.

And the bad thing is, I woke up wondering why on earth I dreamt about this poor guy from my house... who would probably never lay a finger on me ever, and who I don't even talk to all that much. He might have just been on my mind because we were at a dinner a few nights ago, but how he got twisted into my disturbing dream is beyond me.

Why am I dreaming about being raped when I've never encountered a situation like this in real life?? One can never be sure exactly why.

Maybe it was the article I'd read on assertive women being raped more often than submissive women. Maybe I likened myself to the stronger women, who according to the article are placed in greater danger to rape because they assert themselves against men and are more often placed in situations that turn violent.

Either way... I need to get this off my mind.

I'd rather go back to the dreams of unattainable happiness. At least those are more merry.

These are my socks.

2007-10-26T05:11:00.000-04:00

Only Chelsea could get the title reference... but this is what I mean when I say I have holes in my socks. This is what 60% of my socks here look like. The rest are just thin and almoooost have holes...

Drink a little water and do a little dance.

2007-10-26T04:38:00.000-04:00

"You mean it's 9:22 am and you don't even have InDesign open yet???"

*sigh*

Projects seem to pile up quickly here. I go from having almost nothing to do and being slightly annoyed at something boring I'm working on to having project after project piled on simultaneously.

What am I working on right now?

SZU Railway Christmas card- Final Concept Production
Designalltag- New Year's Card
SZU Railway- Train application logo design

...and that's just the stuff that I'm currently producing. There are several other projects that are being reviewed by clients and staff that I know will come back with many changes and corrections for me to make.

Whooooo.

But but but....... It's been at least 20 minutes since I blew my nose and I'm mostly all clear colored now. I'm starting to go back up! Yaaaay!

You know me

2007-10-25T17:25:00.000-04:00

I must not be very dependable.

The only people that see me on a regular basis are my coworkers.

I don't know where I am myself half the time.

I lose my sense of time

2007-10-25T16:29:00.000-04:00

*Ahh.... massive nostalgia moment!*

I'm trying to remember how far I've gotten in another year. Age seems to still be a stigma I can't escape. Some day....

I'm still not old enough, or smart enough, asian enough, German enough, not enough Katie. Not enough of anything it seems. But for who? Am I adequately satisfied with myself? Or I am striving to mold myself into something for other people? I'm not sure sometimes. Sometimes I just don't know what I even want for myself.

"You're still young."

"You still have so much further to go."

"Don't worry about it."

I loathe patronization. Even when it's not meant to harm, even when it's unavoidable. If there's one thing I will do in my future, it will be striving to never patronize the youth. I'd rather be honest, frank, and understanding. You can't always just say it'll get better and hope that's a solution. That's not what people want to hear.

So I try to listen to children (the little ones) as best I can, and I always have an ear open for students below my level. I know exactly what it feels like to be judged because you aren't as old or in the same year as another. Sometimes in high school the barrier between grades is so monstrous. And for what? So one of you is 14 and the other is 15. You're both young as fuck and have no idea what the future holds. Nobody ever knows what will happen.

Maybe if you're in your 80s and you've been around the block, you might think you know what's what. But times change, so do people, and the opportunity for learning is never lost until the mind withers and the soul stops caring about growth.

I just hope right now that I'm changing and growing and that it's for the better. I can never quite tell when I am making huge life changes, but I can certainly look back and pick them out. I have a feeling that right now is one of those times, when I am carving my path into the stone, but I won't know how much I've changed until I can look back on this time.

Now if only this damn nostalgia would stop for a minute. That, and my runny nose. Can you spell 'faucet'?

Bleagh

2007-10-25T06:50:00.000-04:00

So I woke up feeling just gross today.

Congested to a point where my ears feel like they need needles to pop them and my nose needs a hose run through it. It feels like every spongey matter in my head is clogged up with thick awful phlegm, suffocating me slowly.

I hate this.

That and I think I'm feverish now. And my eyes just look constantly watery and tired... so that with the nose blowing makes me look like I just got my heart broken and I can't stop crying. I feel like everyone that looks at me feels bad for me. I look better than I feel... but still.

I just want to go home and crawl in bed. 9 hours of work is far too much for me today. And surely, the people at work are tired of hearing me blow my nose incessantly.

Ill ease.

2007-10-24T16:27:00.000-04:00

Being sick always brings the carefree notion into sharp awareness of the body's physical needs. I am more aware of everything about my body while I am sick.

It hurts. My temples ring underneath my eyes and my head pounds. My eye twiches as my nose burns while I scrape it with tissue for the millionth time today.

I actually tried to wait out my snot today. The cold won.

I was writing notes for my thesis proposal when all of the sudden I lost the battle and a giant drop of snot splattered down like rain on my proposal.

Eww.

Yeah... a "runny" nose indeed. It doesn't help that I have the hiccups while writing this, but it's been sort of awful all day. I have literally been blowing my nose ferociously about every 10 minutes... pretty much constantly. I feel like I've been crying all day... my eyes are shot and all they want to do is close and stay that way.

I look a mess.

But still... I went to fondue tonight because I couldn't refuse. I hadn't been to one yet, and it really was delicious. But I just hope that I won't have infected everyone there. It was a chance to see certain people again... and I can't say no to that (and wine).

I love hanging out with people from the house.

You can't spend every night in your room alone. That's no good...

Darmstadt

2007-10-24T08:30:00.001-04:00

, originally uploaded by graceingmuend.

Oh I love these girlies.

Photo from Grace. :-)

Have you ever seen a soul?

2007-10-23T15:11:00.000-04:00

"The heart dies slowly and hope sheds off slowly like petals from a flower."

....part of me feels like time is set deep in winter. It must be December, Christmas break, where the light dies early and nights are spent watching movies under blankets.

I feel a deep comfort in this setting. It's calm and steady.

In the other part, I am filled with a sense of autumn right now. A sense of October in particular. I feel like the actions I take now, and the feelings that reside from day to day during this time will resonate for months and years. I can feel that it is an important time, and sensing this perception is something I relish.

I am beginning to become very curious about the future.

Entering sick mode.

2007-10-23T11:00:00.000-04:00

Hmm.

Itchy, sore throat. Extra phlegm and snot.

Yeah, totally entering into a cold. We'll see how bad it gets.

I forgot Amanda had one this weekend. Hopefully it's just hers, and not something evil like a sinus infection.

Over and out.

Is there a solution or is it just evolution?

2007-10-22T19:16:00.000-04:00

Mm, so the weekend:

I got off work right on time so that I could rush back to the rotary house, drop my laptop off, finish packing, and eat some dinner. Then I was headed to the train station for my first trip out of the country... and well, alone.

Of course I'd checked all of my platform numbers and left with plenty of time to get there on schedule. I arrived before my train came and figured out what carriage my reservation was for and what side of the train it would be on. But for some reason I was still uncomfortably nervous. I suppose doing new things for the first time frightens me a bit. I'm always better once I'm on the train. I also seem to eat sweets to calm my nerves down... usually of the gummy variety.

Once on the train, with my haribo out and chewing happily, I was relieved a little. The trip to Darmstadt had no connections, so I could just fall asleep for awhile, which was nice. But about 40 minutes after the train started, the ticket lady came around and checked us, which always puts me in stress mode. What was worse was that she said I needed to pay a supplement fee. Apparently going to the train station and buying my tickets from them, with reservations and what I thought were supplement fees wasn't enough. So she charged me 5.90 francs to pay for riding on the fancy ICE train.

Sure the trains are pretty effing nice. They are handy, great quality and overall awesome, but DAMN they are expensive! For some reason, this little extra charge and the awful fear that I was going to get in trouble for not riding with everything paid for put me in anxiety mode. Even though I'd already paid the fee, I couldn't really sleep the rest of the time. And since I forgot to bring anything to read or write, I just sat on the train in powerful thought.

I do relish my contemplative silences though... I always have. I really had needed to just sit somewhere for hours and sink into a pensive cloud to sort through some things. Even though I'm not the most spiritual person, it's a good meditational outlet for me to pull my life together with.

After the hours passed and I continued analyzing my notions, Darmstadt approached. At 11:20pm I arrived at the station on time. I began to feel slightly more anxious again, wondering if I would actually be able to find my friends at the station. I had their numbers and even directions to their house if I was desperate... but I was really hoping I would see them at the platform when I got out of the train.

Getting out of the train, people began finding their friends and family with cries of happiness and lots of hugs. I began to feel immensely emotional. I wanted to find my design girls!

But after walking down the platform I knew they weren't there yet. So I walked out into the main station. They weren't there either.

I walked back to my platform and beyond to the other entrance of the train station, and at this point I started feeling the extreme anxiety mount because I didn't really know what I would do if they didn't come. I told myself not to freak out because it was only 11:27pm and they were only 7 minutes late and not everyone is addicted to Swiss time like me.

Of course I walked back to the main entrance and upon exiting I saw the familiar faces of Nikole and Grace. Words cannot describe HOW happy I was to see them!

Not only were my fears of being in a strange new country cast away, I was incredibly happy just to see these girls after so long! I hadn't seen Nikole since late August and I hadn't seen Grace since June. After talking to Grace all summer long, I had really missed her. I realize how much I love my design girls. They are amazing!

So we got some pretzels on the way to the bus and I was bemused by the euros and the ridiculously cheap prices for food. A pretzel in Germany with salami and cheese costs 2 euros, while in Switzerland it would cost 8 francs. An apple is 50 cents in Germany... and well... 4.90chf in Zurich. Yeah... I was pretty much flabbergasted. Zurich is warping my sense of currency value, among other things...

We went to Karlshof, the complex where the girls live, and went to Amanda's apartment to meet up with her and drink tea and chat. Four American designers in Europe meeting up, and boy did we have a lot to talk about! We probably stayed up until 3:30 or so just talking rapidly about everything possible.

The next day we got up around 8:30am (ouch) to meet for the day trip. It was funny to think that I took a 4 hour train to get to Darmstadt, and I wasn't even going to stay in the city for the day. The trip to Marburg was about 1-2 hours from Darmstadt, in Northern Germany.

It was actually really nice seeing a little German city with a castle and restaurants. (Don't they all have castles??) Haha. But it was great spending the day with the girls, walking around, taking pictures and marveling at the prices some more. I ordered a delicious calzone at the restaurant Cafe Paprika and it cost 5.50 euros. A pizza about 5 euros there would cost 30chf in Zurich. Ridiculous, I know.

So I splurged with Grace and we split a desert of apple strudel, ice cream and whipped cream. It was friggin delicious. We had fun just sitting in the cafe and taking pictures of random things like leaves and candles. (We sound so boring I know, but the pictures are kind of badass!)

Then it was time to head back to Darmstadt, that city I went to visit in the first place. (Oh yeah...)

We got back around 7pm and we were all pretty tired since we all got only about five hours of sleep, with not much more in the days before the weekend. But we had to get costumes ready for the party in the evening. Nikoles roommates were throwing a party with 3 other flats with a super hero theme.

With the short notice, I found out before I left Zurich that my landlady has Halloween costumes in the attic at the Rotary house. So I borrowed a Harry Potter cape, a weird mask, an indian headdress and some glasses. Not much, but I didn't really know what to take.

At Nikole's, I decided on wearing black tights, boots, a skanky shimmering gold swimisuit, Amanda's boxers, glittery tights and a black belt around my waist, and black eye shadow makeup to go with my Indian headdress.

The only part of the costume that was really any good was the headdress. Yeah... lamesauce. But it was a pretty awesome costume for short notice and you know... being in a different country for the weekend without access to like, anything. Haha.

The party was friggin awesome.

It started out kind of slow, and we seemed to have problems figuring out what liquor was what. At one point people were adding tons of orange juice to apple wine, thinking that it was a liquor or something. It's weird not being able to read what alcohol labels say... and kind of dangerous too. Not that I'm afraid of harming myself... but of drinking something gross. My mom would hate to hear that I am doing any of this at all. But oh well... we settled on beer. Beer is safe... it comes in a bottle and you know what the alcohol content is.

Despite all the confusion with the drinks, we really spent most of the night dancing anyway. I think from about midnight to 5am we were seriously just in Nikole's apt dancing like crazy. It was really impressive how they changed her flat and the others into a dance space. They taped up all the stoves, refrigerators, cabinets, etc... so that they wouldn't be damaged by people, and the furniture just kind of disappeared.

I don't know where they came from, but huge speakers, dance lights, and a badass stereo system appeared out of like.. nowhere. It was kind of amazing.

Amanda, Grace and I left at 5am to die in bed, but Nikole stayed since it was her flat. She said the party was still going strong at 6am and she has no idea when it actually ended.

I wish parties like this existed in Columbus. Such engineering and planning for a good time!

The next day we were all friggin tired. We got up by around 11:30 because Grace had an early train back around 2pm. She had like... homework to do, or something silly like that. But we got donar kebabs before she left.

I stuck around until 6ish, and then it was time to take a train back. Of course my anxiety started again because I knew the journey back would be more difficult. I had to change trains in Karlsruhe and there was a chance I would miss my connection because the train only gave me 7 minutes to change.

Of course my first train left 2 minutes late. Germans... (haha)

Then I got on the wrong train at my connection.

Or at least I think it was the wrong train. It was going from Karlsruhe to Basel, which is the route that the train conductor had given me in case I didn't make the train to Zurich.

Needless to say, it freaked me out that I was taking my Plan B route, because I didn't actually know what time any of the trains from Basel would be going to Zurich (if at all). I didn't know what time I would be arriving in Basel or how long I would have to find a connecting train and get to the platform. So again, I sat on the train in apprehension.

Of course everything was fine though... I got off in Basel and my Gleis Seiben was in effect. (Fuck yeah, free travel after 7!) So I didn't have to worry about any more evil train conductors asking me for a ticket and scraping around to dig it out. And there were plenty of trains from Basel to Zurich. I found one that only took 45 minutes or so to get there.

I ended up getting back in Zurich around 10, so my whole journey took about the same amount as the trip there... despite having more connections. I was really relieved to be back in my city. I think I just feel like I'd be completely helpless and lost if I got stuck in a city besides Zurich, and I didn't have my apartment to go home to. I know in America I would just keep driving all night till I got home or I'd sleep in my car. I feel safe with what I know, and all of these situations with the trains are unknown and that's why they can freak me out. I'm terrified I'll miss the last train back and have to find lodging for the night or stay up until the morning, be late to work, etc...

It was funny... I really did go to a new country. The land was a lot flatter than it is in Switzerland. Where were the mountains?? There was different money, the prices were cheaper, they had different stores, the overall culture was a lot more German (duh) and less whatever like Zurich. I feel like in Zurich there is a lot more diversity because of the Swiss German, German, Italian, French and English all going on at once. But it was cool to see Germans in their native land and experience that culture the way it really is. Switzerland and Germany are just really different.

And we discussed while I was there, how the girls and I are getting different experiences. Mike and I are both on internships in different countries than most of the designers. Most everyone is studying in school in Germany, and we are displaced and working full time.

It's a lot different when they have a few classes during the week and free time during working hours. Mike and I work very hard from 9-6 (or however late) and can only really travel or see things on the weekend. And traveling is obviously more expensive to get to the other design people because we have to cross farther distances and borders of countries. If people within Germany want to meet up, they are already there. It makes them less likely to visit Mike or I either, because they already have people they know close by to see. It is just very expensive to travel from country to country... so as a result I think Mike and I are both feeling a little isolation.

Isolation is okay, because I can deal just fine with it. I mean, obviously I have lots of friends in Zurich and things to do and places to see, but it's hard not to be jealous every once in awhile of all the people meeting up in Germany every weekend, and the free time their courses allow them. (Nikole says she just feels like she's partying, and I'm so jealous!) Haha... but really, it is just a different experience, and I am okay with that. I do love what I am doing and I'm having an amazing time. A crazy, emotional, awesome time.

I can't help being emo still! Haha. But the weekend was really really nice. I was so good to get away from Zurich for a bit of breathing room... just to have a break from things and take a look at my situation and to reconnect with people on a design level. I really miss discussing a lot of design topics with them all the time, or their point of view on things, or whatever. I love them so much! :D

But I am happy to be back home. I think I will stay home next weekend no matter what, and maybe try to meet up with Patrick. I should probably email him about meeting up.... I just got cancelled on for a Nov meet with a friend and I have this sneaky suspicion that cancellations will happen in the future too. It's just expensive to come here. But I do love seeing people. :-) I'm glad I could go to Darmstadt. It was seriously sweet.

Inmiss

2007-10-22T08:29:00.000-04:00

"Considering weve never met. Its supprising how much I miss you."

Awwwww.

It's good to be home.

2007-10-21T17:50:00.000-04:00

This weekend was incredible, just increeedible.

More thoughts later... when I've had time to think about it. I think Amanda's right, when you are having fun sometimes it's hard to write. But I am thoroughly obsessed with writing right now, so I'm sure something will be up soon.

And I need to clean my hard drive like a mutha... low disk space messages every five seconds. How vexing!

Left my soul down by the sea

2007-10-16T16:35:00.000-04:00

So this is where I am.

I've forgotten already what it was like to be here. I guess that means it's been awhile.

I think that's good.

I have routines, but I've broken them. I have friends, but I've lost some. I have plans, but I've changed them. Things come and they go. That's how life is.

I am very content. I like this city a lot. I've felt at home almost the whole time here. Now I feel completely at place when I'm at work.

It's my desk.
My work.
My expresso and dirty dishes.

I love this.

Sure, work is still hard. I make great advances and figure out things to change all on my own, and then I'm still corrected a hundred times over. I make changes, I'm told to undo changes. Every step forward always comes with literally ten steps back. It's crazy to think I get anything done with how much correction I deal with.

I've already gotten lost in time here too. Caught up in something that I didn't even realize was happening until I was in the middle of it. It's hard to gain control when you are up in the air. I will pull myself down and remember that:

It is not worth it to appease someone else if it means making my life hell here, and ruining all my memories of this place.

I will not be scared of anyone. I will not even be scared of hurting people. If they are hurt by me, they must overcome that themselves. I am only sorry that the novelty wore off.

And so the thunder rumbles in

2007-10-16T16:23:00.000-04:00

I can't help it, I can't help it.

Reneging is my default. I do it by nature.

It's defense.

I love so many people, so much... too much sometimes, but I don't love you. Because I don't love you, I will take no regret in taking this friendship for granted. And I will remove myself from your life whether you want me to or not.

It's not a discussion, it's a fact. And soon, it will be a fact in process.

You smothered me. And now I despise you. I am going to delete every picture of you because I am sick of your face. Sick of you knocking on my door.

Sick.
of.
you.

You will think I'm childish. And I admit, some of my actions sound childish, even to me. But I don't know what else to do to get rid of you. I can't help being completely repulsed by you. It was like blacking out.... I tried to stop it... tried to hold it off... push you away, but it wasn't enough. You'll have to completely go now.

I have to lie down on the floor.

You just knocked on my door again, and I couldn't do anything but stop typing and glare at the person behind the door in a rebellious fury. I don't answer my door anymore... because it's always you. I'm so tired of it.

Getting ready for scorn

2007-10-12T08:18:00.000-04:00

So without hesitation, he looked at me as dinner was ending and said "You're having ANOTHER piece of cheese? Think of all the cholesterol!"

What the flying fuck? No seriously. What the fuck?

Why didn't he ask anyone else about eating cheese?

Going to go stab my deviation

2007-10-11T18:34:00.000-04:00

Just shove it up there and forget about.

I woke up swollen all over today. Not cool.

Breathing is a sin.

He has no culture

2007-10-10T18:20:00.000-04:00

Whenever I try to write "rice", my fingers automatically start typing out "krispy kreme".

There is something wrong with my brain. :/

Mystery date... and you can't be late.

2007-10-10T17:59:00.000-04:00

Ah, updating last night didn't really happen.

I think I underestimated Anca's birthday celebrations. Or maybe I just didn't think it would involve alcohol. Something like that. But whatever. I had dinner with Bridget and Ashish and then Mihai yanked us upstairs to go celebrate the bday girl's special day.

Anca is so sweet that she didn't tell anyone it was her birthday. (I knew somehow though) She didn't want to make anyone feel obliged to bring anything, she just wanted people to help her come and celebrate and enjoy the evening. She is such a genuinely nice person! She is always thinking about others and helping out around the house by doing dishes that aren't hers, cleaning, or sharing food and drink. She really is very nice. I love people that are actually real. :)

So from about 9:30-12:30 I was talking, drinking, making merry fun and having a jolly time. Then it was time for bed because I had work the next morning.

It was kind of odd when the night started out because with the American music playing and the taste of the beer in my mouth... well, I just had deja vu. Not too far back this time... just to this summer when I was sitting by a house that I no longer visit.

Just for an instant I was back there with the beer pong and the cornhole going on around me, and well... I don't miss that, but I didn't figure that I would ever have such an intense thought about it in a new situation. Of course after a second I remembered where I was again and spent the rest of the night talking to people. Sergio ended up bringing tequila and we all did a shot, then I did two more. Lots of the girls around don't like tequila because it's either given them a bad next morning, betrayed them, or they just don't like the taste of it. It's still my preferred drink of choice, but I couldn't sip on that all night and I didn't feel like another beer so I had some wine to end the night.

It was amazing how many people of different varieties were at one party. It was really something seeing everyone take time out of their day to come up to the loft and wish Anca a happy birthday. I have honestly never been around such a diverse crowd... and everyone was just so friendly and chill, it was great. I'm starting to feel bad that everyone here is working on masters and phds and will be here for two years... and I only have two months left. It's not fair! I want to stay for two years somewhere too.

So thinking about everyone's phds, I start thinking about the future of my own education too. First off I have to concentrate on my senior thesis coming up, especially if I want any kind of aid for it. I hate having to think about writing the proposal for it, but I actually have to do it so there is no avoiding it. It's something I want to do... but I will have to force myself a bit. It's just a little intimidating coming up with a thesis, proposed plan of research, intended results, a budget. (the budget SCARES me more than most other parts... except for the actual thesis line maybe)

Anyway... enough rambles for tonight. No alchies tonight. I gotta get in bed and think about theses ideas before I sink into sleep.

I hate waking up 15 minutes before my alarm goes off every day... it's weird and I don't know why I am doing it.

Clothing is her birthright.

2007-10-09T08:58:00.000-04:00

Odd... to be able to hear your grandchildren in the apartment above you, practicing their saxophone while you are at work.

(I suppose I should write about something real soon... I'll update about daily events later tonight, depending on how much wine I've had.)

Bisaido Island

2007-10-09T08:41:00.000-04:00

I remember when it was frighteningly cold- a frozen tundra- and our path was still very long. You didn't know how we would make it to the end, or what would happen when we got there. But still, we continued on anyway.

We made it to the end and you had to disappear. And I cried and cried.

And if I could revisit that winter I would. I think it was five years ago now. God it's been awhile. I'd almost forgotten. I was forgetting the the buildings, the faces, the sounds and the music. Forgetting how comfortable I was, purposeful and dedicated.

I've been forgetting who I am for a long time now. I want to return.

...

2007-10-09T08:04:00.000-04:00

Emaaaail

2007-10-09T02:09:00.000-04:00

It's really odd getting emails from my school while abroad.

They say things like "sign up and meet on October 5th", but I have no way of doing that. I like to take every opportunity that comes my way, but some of these ones that are coming in my inbox are just impossible to do. All the emails assume I am still in Columbus.

It just feels weird. I feel sort of powerless.

Maple Syrup

2007-10-08T15:10:00.000-04:00

Oh, I love it when you can share things with people. Sharing and helping is kind of amazing.

After pouring over much of Designalltag's history today and seeing how much the other interns in the past have worked compared to me (25-40 hrs a week.... always less!) and how they were graded (not always A's, some B's thrown in there!) I am now both:

A. Miffed that I am working more hours than people have in the past for the same amount of pay
B. Frightened that they are going to write on my report that I don't have enough motivation or complete tasks on time or whatever. I am TERRIFIED of this... and it makes me want to stay later than 6 every day just to provide some insurance.

So I got off work late because I forgot how long I was there and because of the anxiety thing, and I went down to Stadelhofen to buy some maple syrup from the Coop. I looked around for the cheap syrup, but it seriously doesn't exist here. They have honey, a million kinds of jam, and then in the baking isle they have 7.20chf Canadian maple syrup.

And I bought some.

Yeah it cost a lot, but man... you should have seen the look on Bridget's face when I showed her that I got some authentic Canadian syrup from her native land. Of course, her parents are shipping her syrup right now... but it's not supposed to get here for another six weeks... and I only have 8 weeks left anyhow.

I made pancakes... baby pancakes, which turned out surprisingly okay even though I didn't have measuring cups for any of the ingredients and the pan that I used to cook them on was frighteningly dirty and was burning the pancakes at first. Everything takes a little finesse in this kitchen. So I let Bridget have some pancakes and syrup since they are like her birthright. It was a fine dinner. I also ate grapes I took from the vines on the balcony at work. They were definitely wine grapes... which made them kind of funny to eat because they were very gelatinous and had seeds. They really reminded me of the taste of concord jelly... which is sad that I'm comparing the actual fruit to some processed crap, but hey... that's what I think it tastes like!

Petra is angry that people are still leaving dishes unwashed in the sinks.

Honestly I don't know who cooks food and then just leaves their stuff in the kitchen... even if they've washed it and just not dried it. People just seem to leave things lying out all the time.

Ah well... I clean up after myself. I'm a good girl.

Failure

2007-10-08T15:08:00.000-04:00

People criticize you because they want you to change.

Whatever the reason is... they will make it known to you that they would like you to act, think, or appear differently in order to satisfy their concern. Sometimes it is helpful, but other times it is irritating.

I don't appreciate all the advice that's given to me on a daily basis. If I want to eat coffee cake for dinner, I can do so at my own leisure. If people want to criticize me for eating it, maybe they should look at their own weight problems first. Because see, I don't really have a weight problem right now. I am a healthy weight, I eat a healthy breakfast every day, vegetables, fruits and dairy, and I don't have any medical disorders.

So why are people making me feel like a shitty "typical American" when I eat something not the most healthy for dinner once in awhile? Am I supposed to give up sweets forever because someone else has eating issues?

I must be so lazy because I slept all day on Sunday. Never mind that I got up at 7am the other six days of the week to work 10-12 hrs a day during the week and to travel around to four different cities in a day. Let's just forget I was doing overtime for free, hungry most every day from the hours of 9-12 and 4-9, or that I never got more than 4-7 hours of sleep during the week.

That's my fault.

But I feel that if I work hard and eat healthy during the week, that I should get to enjoy my evenings and weekends without feeling like I am a waste of space or a hazard to my health.

Chelsea was right, when you are living people not related to you that criticize you without being asked, it gets old quickly. I don't want to feel like I am living with my parents again. I am not a failure from my lifestyle.

Give it a rest.

Gleis sieben

2007-10-08T05:33:00.000-04:00

Somebody is excited about her gleis sieben that came in the mail. ^___^

Irate

2007-10-08T01:24:00.000-04:00

Oh, sometimes I do not feel like being helpful at all.

It's really a bad trait.

But if I am in a bad mood... or if I don't like someone, I can be a horrible stick in the mud.

Sometimes I just want to tell people to go away, or that I will do it myself.

I just get so annoyed.

Lazy Sundays

2007-10-07T18:07:00.000-04:00

I always was talented at sleeping.

Maybe it annoys some people, but when I can, I like to sleep as much as possible. With an unpredictable lifestyle it's hard to find time to sleep with people always wanting to go out and do crazy things at odd hours.

So when people tell me they are busy all day, and I tell them that I am going sleeping all day and we don't make any plans, they DON'T have the right to be huffy with me the next day when I sleep through them knocking at my door several times.

It annoys me that I was woken at 11:00, 12:00, 1:15 and 2:00 when I was trying to sleep.

Yes, it was a beautiful day.
Yes, I am in Zurich only for a short while.
Yes, I could have gone to see the gardens and had a good time.

First of all, I enjoyed my Sunday. Immensly. And second, I get to choose what I want to do while I am here. And if I decide to plan half a day of sleeping into my Sunday, I am allowed to do that because it's MY time.

I can plan. If I want to get up and go somewhere on a Sunday. But I planned not to. I planned to catch up on sleep because several times last week I was dead tired when I got up in the morning. And waking up every day hating the world, feeling like I want to stab myself because I am so tired, and just thinking about falling back on my bed does not exactly make me the most pleasant person.

When we went to travel yesterday, I was so tired that I don't feel like I really got to take in the whole cities. I was too tired to walk anywhere. I just wanted to sit down the whole day and rest my head on my knees.

And that's no fun.

So today was MY day. Days of rest are important. I only have so many of them left before I have a 9-5, a mortgage, car payments, kids, and never ending responsibilities.

And it sounds really stupid... but I know that I will remember sleeping in Zurich.

Just the feeling of waking up in my bed here.... and falling back into unconscious with the sun on my eyelids and the warm Sunday around me.... well, it's kind of beautiful.

That's something that I will remember very vividly... The covers around me, the fluffy comforter cradling my face, and the complete relaxation and ease coursing through my body. You can't take a picture of that feeling, you can only experience it. And to remember what emotions were running through body at the moment, and how I felt at that exact spot... well, it's something I really appreciate.

When I say I love sleep.

I really mean it.

I'm a pumpkinhead

2007-10-07T02:58:00.000-04:00

And I think she's moronic.

I'm tired, sore, worn out.

All I want to do is sleep.

This is what's called a "whiney" post. Yeah, you thought they were all whiney.

But a recap on the day.

Somehow, without my body wanting me to, I went to see:

St. Gallen- the abbey, shopping, lunch, natural history museum, museum of art
Rorschach- Around town, random things
Romanshorn- Lake Constance
Weinfelden- Oh, not much

Yeah, and where we originally bought a ticket to Degensheim at the beginning of the day, to bike to Romanshorn from there... man we did NOT do that. It was foggy and gloomy like crazy, cold and evil looking and for some reason Ashish and I were both awful tired at the beginning of the day.

So we pulled over in St. Gallan and spent like six hours there instead of the 2 we'd originally planned. The museums were really nice (well... one of them was) and they were only 4 francs!

But I'm angry at the weekend weather because it's always cloudy and gloomy on Saturdays! I hate it when the beautiful days during the week taunt me. It was very warm on Wednesday and Thursday, and I was stuck inside!

BOOOOO.

Everybody knows

2007-10-06T17:48:00.001-04:00

I remember, I made it sound okay because I didn't want to cry about it when I explained. I didn't want to go over the death again in detail, because it shook me into tears... and I didn't want to break down like that in public (again).

So I came off as callous.

It's really easy to be seen as insensitive sometimes, when I'm just trying to keep my head afloat. But I really do care, I am compassionate a lot of the time, my head leads in it's own direction. And yes, I can be a very sweet, nice person sometimes, no matter how much a cold-hearted bitch people believe I am.

The Zoo

2007-10-05T13:31:00.000-04:00

I love Zoos. :)

My mini hates me.

2007-10-05T02:46:00.000-04:00

Dropping my ipod totally fixed it.

Yeah... my faith is also "restored" in apple.

Siiiiiigh.

Fuck that pod.

Cups?

2007-10-04T22:00:00.000-04:00

I have a bowl, spoon, fork, paring knife and mug that I brought with me from home. And sometimes I get to thinking. I look at my bowl and I look at the pattern on it. And I wonder about getting tired of that pattern, and all the other patterns and forms of the other plates and dishes downstairs in the kitchen. But this is the only plate that I can keep in my room and use whenever I want and call my own.

Then I start thinking about all my bowls and spoons at home... and how I like those ones and want to use them. And then I think of other things around my kitchen and house, and well... at this point I wonder

why am I thinking about dishes in America?

They are so insignificant.

But the point is... I am not homesick at all.

I think flitting thoughts about things like bowls, but I dismiss them all. Because there are plates downstairs and people along with them.

Make no mistake, there are certainly things I am missing from America right now. But it wouldn't matter where I was for me to feel apart from them.

Bowls and spoons make no difference.

Over and out

2007-10-04T00:01:00.000-04:00

Every time my boss writes a “u”, I think it’s an “n”.

We have problems communicating.

Despite being kind of mean on Monday, he gave me a piece of chocolate and an apple on both Tuesday and Wednesday. Because food makes up for me working overtime, right?

Overtime pay is overrated here, apparently. There is very little merit in a job well done. But I think the key to doing well here is to stay until 8pm, 2 hours overtime, when my boss tells me I can finish up tomorrow. If I could stay until everyone else has left or I'm told to go home then I would be making myself look better.

But I would feel used too.

What to do, what to do.